So I'm not really running with the crew any more because BagBalm gave me a job playing at his bar but I see Pearl all the time 'cuz she my BITCH boo and her friends tell me all about what they seen. So here it is for you, too!
This time we got several new monsters up to the plate: just look at them all up there in the title! Okay.
First is the stirge. This fucker flies around and tries to stick it's nose thing into you and suck out your blood. Real fuck-them-and-leave-them-a-dessicated-husk-of-a-corpse kind of shit. But they're real pussies and you can just set them on fire or punch them in the dick or something and they'll just die really easy. Don't try swords or hammers or anything though, They usually get bred in secret labs underground or in the top of a castle or something and if you see one you're gonna see a bunch and then there's an Evil Science Wizard or something that you'll probably have to kill too. So watch out for that.
Speaking of Evil Science Wizards we got the Cancer Mage. This fucker is Badd Asss and not the good kind. He has an extra body part! It's like from that movie with Ahnold - you know, this one:
Whoops - shit - just something I was thinking about. Let's see - oh, this one, I mean:
Creepy, right? Now imagine that fucker coming at you with a roomfull of stirges and then casting like boomstick-the-spell and make-you-slippery and all. And they can cast spells with ALL their faces which is one face too many. "Day-um, Lexi Mavis!" Is what I hear you saying. But it's worse than that because these grotty bastards have their coats full of like centipedes and ants and grubs and shit and that's what gives them their power. So if you carry around some bug spray or like a big tub of poison you're all right but otherwise just - no. Nope that shit right out.
Ghosts! Ghosts will straight-up eat the baby and that's no lie. So you gotta smack them HARD like, PALADIN hard, you feel me? You could also try to burn them with fire or scream really really load to get their attention away from the baby. Because ghosts be sleeping like years and shit, but a baby scream will wake them up so you gotta go like FOUR babies of screams to distract them or they're gonna eat your baby. And no one wants that.
Ghosts can summon Skellingtons and EnergyBalls too. They like to live in jars and vats and containers and then BAM! They'll come out and make you wish you'd had a second breakfast and just stayed at home. But you CAN'T, because SKELLINGTONS. So what are you gonna do? Well you could be like my girl Pearl and flame-broil that shit, or like my man Harlan and smack them UPside with a big ass hammer, or like my homie Naiel and just run away to get the baby safe. They're tough but not too tough is what I mean - you can handle this.
Energy balls are just the biggest wimps ever. Just soak one with some water (or piss if you wan't but don't pee right ON them - piss in a bucket and then throw it at them. Trust me, you don't wanna let the charge travel along a stream of piss!) What was I saying? Oh yeah. Just pee on them and go home, 'cuz they'll be done.
Now finally I don't know much about Beheaders because not many people have seen one and lived. But it'll cut your head off and leave you sitting down holding your own head in your lap. And that's gonna ruin both your day and the day of everyone who knew you. So just don't.
Okay. That's all I got for now! I'm'a try to find me a woman with three breasts now - peace out and talk atcha in a coupla weekz!
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