Stirges and CancerMages and Ghosts and Skellingtons and EnergyBalls and Beheaders

Oh holy potatoes you guys I don't even know if it's potatoes with an e or just potatos-with-no-e!  I guess it doesn't matter that much.

So I'm not really running with the crew any more because BagBalm gave me a job playing at his bar but I see Pearl all the time 'cuz she my BITCH boo and her friends tell me all about what they seen.  So here it is for you, too!

This time we got several new monsters up to the plate: just look at them all up there in the title!  Okay.

First is the stirge.  This fucker flies around and tries to stick it's nose thing into you and suck out your blood.  Real fuck-them-and-leave-them-a-dessicated-husk-of-a-corpse kind of shit.  But they're real pussies and you can just set them on fire or punch them in the dick or something and they'll just die really easy.  Don't try swords or hammers or anything though,  They usually get bred in secret labs underground or in the top of a castle or something and if you see one you're gonna see a bunch and then there's an Evil Science Wizard or something that you'll probably have to kill too.  So watch out for that.

Speaking of Evil Science Wizards we got the Cancer Mage.  This fucker is Badd Asss and not the good kind.  He has an extra body part!  It's like from that movie with Ahnold - you know, this one:

Whoops - shit - just something I was thinking about.  Let's see - oh, this one, I mean:

Creepy, right?  Now imagine that fucker coming at you with a roomfull of stirges and then casting like boomstick-the-spell and make-you-slippery and all.  And they can cast spells with ALL their faces which is one face too many.  "Day-um, Lexi Mavis!"  Is what I hear you saying.  But it's worse than that because these grotty bastards have their coats full of like centipedes and ants and grubs and shit and that's what gives them their power.  So if you carry around some bug spray or like a big tub of poison you're all right but otherwise just - no.  Nope that shit right out.

Ghosts!  Ghosts will straight-up eat the baby and that's no lie.  So you gotta smack them HARD like, PALADIN hard, you feel me?  You could also try to burn them with fire or scream really really load to get their attention away from the baby.  Because ghosts be sleeping like years and shit, but a baby scream will wake them up so you gotta go like FOUR babies of screams to distract them or they're gonna eat your baby.  And no one wants that.

Ghosts can summon Skellingtons and EnergyBalls too.  They like to live in jars and vats and containers and then BAM!  They'll come out and make you wish you'd had a second breakfast and just stayed at home.  But you CAN'T, because SKELLINGTONS.  So what are you gonna do?  Well you could be like my girl Pearl and flame-broil that shit, or like my man Harlan and smack them UPside with a big ass hammer, or like my homie Naiel and just run away to get the baby safe.  They're tough but not too tough is what I mean - you can handle this.

Energy balls are just the biggest wimps ever.  Just soak one with some water (or piss if you wan't but don't pee right ON them - piss in a bucket and then throw it at them.  Trust me, you don't wanna let the charge travel along a stream of piss!)  What was I saying?  Oh yeah.  Just pee on them and go home, 'cuz they'll be done.

Now finally I don't know much about Beheaders because not many people have seen one and lived.  But it'll cut your head off and leave you sitting down holding your own head in your lap.  And that's gonna ruin both your day and the day of everyone who knew you.  So just don't.

Okay.  That's all I got for now!  I'm'a try to find me a woman with three breasts now - peace out and talk atcha in a coupla weekz!

One more!

Oh shit I almost forgot!  I was talking to Bargsy my new boss and then I remembered about this other bitch we fought.  So we call it a digger because it digs through the bones - you can kind of see a hump moving through the fields at you and then BAM!  These whip things come out of the bones and then this leathery ball-with-legs thing does too.  Except it's all dried and wrinkly and greenish-brown-and grey and holy DRAGON does it stink!  Those whips hurt, too - I still have a scar on my arm from one.  The ladies love scars, though, so it's all good.  This one's kind of tough so back off and fire your bow or bash it with a big heavy mallet or something.  It moves pretty fast so stay focused.

First Post Bitchez!

Hey yo!  I'm Lexi Mavis and this is my blog.  My posse and I been running with some holy chicks and golly, did we see some wacky shit!  I'm'a tell you all about it - and most specifically all the fucked up monsters.  Not the kind of monster that sells roofies to kids, but actual monsters made out of like bones and jelly and shit.

I just got a pretty sweet gig playing at the Carbuncle's Jewel in the Slums - it's on James street.  It's surrounded by warehouses and like abandoned buildings so you can't miss it.  Barglum's my boy!  He'll set you up.  But I keep in touch with my old crew so this is a record of the shit they've seen.

Like/favorite/retweet, you sloppy wanker!  Spread the love.

Leaperz Zapperz and Spectrez

So I was out working the fields the other day and my crew got hit with some bad shit.  Leapers and Zappers, sure - seen them before and I'll write my notes here.  But then there was this Spectre dude too and he was Bad News.

Leaperz: these things look like someone who'd never seen a dog before heard about them from a blind drunk, and then went to make a model of one out of a bunch of old bones.  Like, weird fucking shit.  And they're all different, too - some have actual skulls and some have head made out of, like, hand bones.  I saw one that had two hipbones for a face!  That's not right.  They bite and claw and they're pretty tough but they can't really hit a damn thing - fire a bunch of arrows or throw rocks and you'll knock them apart.  You wouldn't think arrows would work well on a creature made of old bones, but there it is.

Zapperz: You know when you cook a roast and then leave it out and there's all this fatty goop in the pan?  Well imagine two big handfuls of that that floats around and shoots tiny sparks.  They're not very accurate and they're kind of pussies - smack them with a shovel or something and you're good.  But yukko - floating jelly-goop balls?  That's fucked up.

Spectrez: This fucking guy.  All right.  They're like a guy, anyway, but you can see right through them.  They usually wear some kind of jewelry like rings and bracelets and all, but it's some cursed shit.  That's how they get you - they'll try to smack you but their hand will pass right through you - it's freaky and all but it doesn't really hurt.  Maybe a little cold?  You can shrug that off.  But the bracelet thing will fucking haunt your dreams and make you unable to have an orgasm or something.  Looks pretty but leave that shit alone.